This morning I woke up wanting. Waiting, actually. Waiting for words to show up. Smart words, you know? Not the regular ones, not the ones that push you forward into your day Must go to the DMV, Should I walk before breakfast?, I should practice, meditate. The common words that sweep you up into a conga line of life going why the fuck am I doing this? Everyone’s watching, just go with it – smile and the next thing you know you’re having to do the limbo and you think I didn’t plan for this.
And you start using conga-line life words.
I have do to this
I can’t do that
I wish he did
I wish she didn’t
I wish I…………..the end.
This is how it goes.
I say pay attention a lot in my yoga classes. It’s trite, isn’t it? A yoga teacher telling you to pay attention – surely it’s in the manual. Listen to the conversation you’re having with yourself, it’s important. It is important. It will forever be important.
I got out of bed this morning and I longed for good words. Words that didn’t place me in the real ‘doing’ part of life. Words that bring you into other worlds like Petrichor, or Ghost-living. Words that make me feel like my real life was that fort I made from bed-sheets and pillows and household chairs when I was a child. Because, it’s felt like that a lot lately. My secret, hand-made fort-like life. All mine.
In my fort-like life I use words like
I’m glad you
I’m glad I
The words came, they’re here now, because I asked. Because I used my fort-like life words a lot more than my conga-line life words.
Because one day last year, as the conga line came my way again I said “No Fucking way. I’m going to build my fort.”
And I did. And the words show up, they always do.